A Seven-Layer Cake
Sara’s house is organized chaos. With 9 children, 6
still at home (one with special needs), two married
daughters with children who visit frequently and
assorted nieces and nephews, how could it be otherwise?
But it all works, thanks to Sara’s gifts as a master
strategist and buoyant sense of humor. As is customary
in Orthodox Jewish families, Sara’s children
attend Yeshiva (religious school) involving a full day of
regular studies and an added religious curriculum. All
the children ranging from 7 on up have household
chores, including the responsibility of making their
own beds and putting away their clothes. On the
Sabbath, without fail, the entire family comes together
to rest and enjoy one another’s company.
“I demand a lot, and I have my mother and father
to thank for that,” Sara says. Her mother emigrated
from Germany before the war and her father survived
the Holocaust with the help of a gentile (non-Jew)
who hid him from Nazi persecution. Her parents ran
a watch repair business and later, a jewelry store. Sara’s
mother was the saleswoman while her father made
repairs. Her father’s experiences in Europe and her
own upbringing in multi-ethnic Washington Heights
shaped Sara’s expansive outlook and profound respect
for people of all cultures.
Most remarkable is that Sara is also the caregiver for
her mother, who has Alzheimer’s. After her father’s
death, her mother kept the jewelry store going until
customers began to notice changes. At that time, her
mother lived alone in Washington Heights, growing
increasingly forgetful and suspicious. The events of
9/11 provided the impetus for Sara to relocate her to
Brooklyn,where she has her own room and bathroom
on the bottom floor of Sara’s house. Sara and a friend
joke, “We’re not the sandwich generation, we’re a
seven-layer cake!
Although the family understands that strong-minded,
independent “Oma” is frustrated by her illness and
loss of control, caring for her has not been easy. She
accuses family members of stealing from her, and in
recent months has become “angrier and angrier.”
Mealtimes are a challenge, as she often needs to be
cajoled into eating by Sara, who transforms into a
“one-woman entertainment committee.” One of her
children is able to make Oma laugh at the drop of a
hat by imitating one of his teachers. Hygiene has
been a particular challenge. Sara has learned not to
force the issue. She tries different strategies, like giving
her mother a haircut so she feels like taking a
shower. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t.
Sara believes strongly that caregivers need support.
In her case, this includes daily prayer and exercise and
using the Chapter as a sounding board. She reached
a point during the past year when it was impossible to
go on without outside help. With all her children
finally in school, she had anticipated having free time.
Instead she found herself unable to leave her mother
alone. Introduced to the NYC Chapter through her
brother-in-law but unable to come to meetings, Sara
developed a lively telephone relationship with the
Care Consultant. Over the past six months, her
dementia-care skills have improved through what Sara
calls OJT: On-the-Job Training.
Sara’s brother-in-law took up the banner of helping
her obtain Medicaid home care, which was recently
approved. While it was pending, the Chapter provided
a respite grant from our Child and Youth Fund.
“Oma” now has an aide for 8 hours a day. Sara marvels
that the worker, who hails from Haiti, speaks
excellent Yiddish and is versed in keeping a kosher
kitchen. Never one to sit on her hands, Sara wrote a
letter to the home care agency singing her praises.
Sara now feels able to leave the house for more than
a few minutes at a time. The family still often feels on
pins and needles, wondering if today will be a good
day or a bad day. But with the support of her husband
(“a saint!”) and older children, Sara is increasingly able
to weather the ups and downs of dementia. She finds
reward in a simple nighttime ritual, resting with the
knowledge that on some deep level her mother
appreciates her efforts. When she tucks her into bed,
her mother hugs her and says, “Thank you. Thanks
for everything.”
If you would like to meet with a care consultant, please call the Chapter at 646-744-2900 or our 24-hour Helpline
at 800-272-3900. Caregivers featured in this series have agreed to share their stories. Names have been changed to protect their anonymity.
— Amanda Leis, LCSW
Director, Helpline & Care Consultation
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