Meeting in the Middle
D ynamics between siblings are unique to each
family and often very complicated. Sometimes
siblings get along great. Sometimes lifelong
conflicts exist and arranging care for a parent with dementia
reignites past tensions. Other times just the stress of being
a caregiver takes its toll on sibling relationships. Whatever
the situation may be, navigating through these waters can
sometimes be treacherous.
David, 50, and Chris, 46, had not been in touch for
several years. The only time they spoke was when it
pertained to their parents, who live together in their own
home in Queens and both suffer from dementia. Despite
little communication, the siblings are both involved in their
parents’ care. If one sees the other’s car in the driveway, he
keeps on driving. And vice versa. This has been going on
for over a year.
During a recent visit David began to feel his parents
needed additional help in the house. Surprisingly, Mom
agreed. Dad was less easy to convince but after a while he
admitted that a little help might not be such a bad thing.
David called Chris and they decided to explore their
options.
Chris called the 24-hour Helpline and a volunteer
told him about a number of different options including
housekeeping, personal care, and home attendant services.
Chris said his parents have some money saved up and that
he’d like to contact some agencies but didn’t know where
to start. The Helpline volunteer sent him an information
packet along with the Chapter’s Home Care Sources
booklet to assist them in their search.
A few weeks later, the 24-hour Helpline received
another call from Chris. He realized his parents’ savings
would not last much longer if they had to pay privately
for home care and had called his brother to discuss their
options. David and Chris had a heated discussion that
soon turned into an argument over which agency would
provide the service and how many
hours of help their parents would
need each week. The call was
referred to a Care Consultant who
initially spoke with each sibling
separately by telephone. After
several calls with each, David and
Chris agreed to a family meeting
with the Care Consultant in the
hopes of coming to some sort of
agreement on a plan.
During the initial meeting,
each sibling shared his perspective
of the situation. There was little
interaction between David and
Chris during the meeting; each
directed most of what he said to
the Care Consultant. However, at the end of the meeting,
they agreed to come back the following week. Their
assignment for the next meeting was to each make a list
of the types of help they felt their parents needed in order
to remain safely at home for as long as possible. And they
each agreed to speak with Mom and Dad to get their input
as well.
David, Chris and the Care Consultant met several times
over the next few weeks. David and Chris shared their
lists. The Care Consultant encouraged them to speak to
one another and soon they were communicating with one
another directly and calmly. They eventually determined
that four hours a day, three days a week would be a good
beginning. And they agreed they would use Mom and
Dad’s money to pay for half of the cost and that they would
split the remaining half.
David and Chris are still not speaking unless it’s about
Mom and Dad, but they were able to meet in the middle
to ensure their parents get what they need and what they
deserve.
Alzheimer’s Association care consultants are here to assist you and your family when dealing with difficult situations. If you would like
to meet with a care consultant, please call the Chapter at
646-744-2900 or our 24-hour Helpline at 800-272-3900. Care Consultation
services are available at no charge. Caregivers featured in this series have agreed to share their stories. Names have been changed
to protect their anonymity.
— Matt Kudish, MSW
Director, Helpline &
Care Consultation
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